Fie!
by Nez
Summary: [BR] [Yaoi] Bakura plus Shakespeare equals... uhh... Really, Ryou should know better than allowing Bakura close contact with Macbeth...


This would be my attempt at humor…  ^_^()

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, yaddah yaddah yaddah.

Pairings: Bakura/Ryou

Summary:  Bakura.  Shakespeare.  Mass chaos.  You have been warned.

~*~*~*~*~ 

            Hikari owes me big time.

            I can't believe that _I_, Bakura, former master tomb robber and 5000 year old undead spirit, have been lassoed by a pansy-assed sixteen year old into doing his homework for him.

            … ok, maybe not such a pansy-ass.  That kid gets pretty damn _scary when he wants to.  _

            Which is why I am now hunched miserably over a tattered, yellowing copy of this… this… '_Macbeth.'  Who the hell names their kid 'Macbeth?!?'  No wonder the guy went berserk (at least that's what Ryou tells me.  Haven't gotten to that part yet.   ….in fact, haven't gotten past the first page yet.).  It's a glorious day outside, too… by all rights I should be out there now, slashing a few throats and pouncing on sparkly things.  But _noooo…__

            "'kura?  How's it going so far?"

            Awww.  His voice gets all groggy when he's sick.  Sounds like he's been shrieking bloody murder for the past few hours or something.  How cute.  

            I like glaring evilly at people while I talk, so I turn to face the little twerp (swivel chair!  Whee!).  Hikari's sprawled out on his bed like a limp rag, cheeks flushed, hair tangled and nose all puffy and swollen.  He's swimming in a sea of crumpled tissues, looking miserable.

            …no!  I do _not_ feel bad!!  I gloat menacingly- his agony amuses me!

            …yeah.

            Anyways.  "It's _not going, hikari."  Narrow eyes, growl dangerously, snarl.  Wait for shrieks of terror._

            …damn.  Forgot my scare tactics don't work on that baka any more.  Curse him!  

            "What the fuck is this guy going on about anyways?!  And are you even sure this is in English?"

            A sigh.  He looks like he's trying to hide a grin.  Are you _mocking me, hikari?!?!_

            "Bakura, I know you don't like this, but I really need you to do this for me.  And plus, I think you'll like the ending.  Just give it a try, will you?"

          How is it that he's learned to resist my Evil Glare of Doom (™), and yet I have no defenses against the Bambi-eyes??  I'm telling you, it's not fair!!

            "_Fine!_  I'll _read_ the Ra-damned book!  Just remember- you owe me, twerp."

            He rolls his eyes and sneezes, turning his back to me so he can fumble for some tissues.  Baka.

            Ok.  Book.  Stare at words.  Concentrate.

            …

            What the fuck's a _hurly__-burly?!?_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

*Half an hour later*

            Okay.  Page two.  

            Was Shakespeare a drunk?  Must ask aibou.  All his sentences seem to be written backwards.  Stupid bastard.

            … still don't know what the hell a hurly-burly is.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

*An hour later*

            YEAH!  GO, LADY MACBETH!!  KILL THAT PHA-uhh… KING!  USURP THE THRONE, TORTURE YOUR SUBJECTS, DROWN THE WORLD IN A SEA OF AGONY AND TORMENT AND BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF INNOCENTS!!!  

            I like this woman.

            That Macbeth, though… what a _woman_.  He's such a wimpy bastard!!!  Morals, morals, _blah blah blah.  Morals my ASS!!  He has the chance to slaughter and torture thousands!  He has a chance to seize power!  ULTIMATE, UNCHECKED, GLORIOUS POWER!!!  And it takes a five page rant from his WIFE to pull his bloated head out of his ass!  _

            …heh.  Kind of reminds me of my aibou.  But…that kid's a lot more stubborn and… well… _vicious _than this _Macbeth, _though.  You don't even want to know what he did to my knife collection when I threatened to skin the hides off of every member of his shrieking fan club.  Stupid bitches.  They kept TOUCHING him!!  MY aibou!!  Only **_I _**can do that!!!  I was doing him a FAVOR, offering to rid him of those grabby sluts, and he THANKS me by digging out my knife collection and…

            …..

            *shudder*

            …it's not like I'm intimidated by him, though.  Nuh-uh.

            Anyways.  Back to the book.  If that woman had any brains, she'd just slaughter her husband, then dice up the Pharaoh, and take all the power for herself.  That's what _I _would do.  

~*~*~*~*~*~

*Half an hour later*

            Blood…

            *drool*

~*~*~*~*~*~

*(Ryou's POV)*

            Hee!  It's hilarious watching him.  Almost makes me forget the rivers of mucus clogging my sinuses.  

            …almost.

            But really.  He just looks so… _cute!_  Right now, he's staring wide-eyed at the page, his spiky-soft hair ghosting over his pale face, eyebrows knitted together in concentration.  He's got that semi-demonic grin plastered over his face, and is clutching the book like it'll squirm out of his grasp at any second.  That guy is so _possessive!_  I have a vague suspicion that once he's done reading, this will no longer be my copy of Macbeth.  He'll probably never let me touch it again.  *sigh*

            Whoops.  I think Lady Macbeth just died.  He isn't very happy (understatement of the year).  

            *SMASH*

            ACK!  He just threw my _lamp into the wall!!  Okay, ducking for cover now…_

~*~*~*~*~*~

*Half an hour later*

            I think he's done.  He has a pleased, vaguely contented look on his face, and the book is clutched to his chest as if it's one of his new shiny things.  Awww.

            Struggling my way out of the sticky swarm of sheets, I rub my raw, irritated nose and ask, "Liked it, Yami?"

            He slowly swivels his way around in my swivel chair (he really loves that thing, doesn't he?) so that he's facing me, and fixes me with a dreamy smile.  "He was decapitated at the end," he sighs happily, nudging his feet against the floor so that the chair skids over to the side of my bed.  He plops his head in my lap, and now I _know_ he loved it- he only lets me play with his hair when he's in a very, very good mood.

            I can't help the buzzing swell of pleasure that wells up in my chest as I run my hair through his soft, silk-spun snowdrift hair.  He purrs like a contented kitten, and the surge of warmth grows- _I'm the one making him this happy.  _I'm _the one he's opening up to.  Who would have known that a little gore-filled play would make him open up so much to me?_

            …well… maybe I knew.  'Cause I kind of planned it.  I know what he likes.  Hey!  I can be diabolical too, you know!

            //Aibou…//

            His mind-speech is melted-chocolate-caramel-smooth in my mind, and my cheeks immediately flare up at the very sound of it.  My hands freeze in his hair as he tilts his head ever so slightly and pins me with his intense, deep scarlet gaze.  Silence falls around us like snow.

            …I only got him to read the book to wear down his defenses so he would open up to me, but… this is getting much too similar to those… _dreams_ I've been having lately… 

            //_You _didn't have to read Macbeth for that 'school' of yours, did you?/_/_

            Scrambling to regain my composure, I shake off the desperate tremoring heat building in the pit of my stomach and blink innocently, fixing him with my trademark blank, curious gaze.  /_What are you talking about, Bakura?  Of course I did./_

            He raises an eyebrow, and abruptly hauls himself out of my lap and onto the bed, ignoring the crumpled tissues scattered all over it.  Bending so that we're eye to eye, a slow smirk creeps over his face.  //_Liar.  It seems I'm beginning to rub off on you.//_

            Darn it!  I'm blushing, I _know I am!!  It's times like these that make me loathe my pale complexion…  And now he has that __look on his face, you know the one- it's his 'I've-just-seen-a-pretty-shiny-thing-and-I-want it NOW' look. _

            …wait.  Confused now.  Why is he wearing _that look?_

            Ack!  He's inching forward!  Back away, demon!!  I'm scrambling back until I'm pressed against the headboard, but he's following, of course.  _Now _he looks distinctly predatory.

            /_I… I just wanted you to **talk to me, Yami!  Y-you've been so edgy lately, I just wanted to know what's going on!/**_

            Smooth, Ryou.   Very smooth.  You don't sound flustered at ALL.

            …and now he has me cornered.  And I can't breathe.  Ra, why does he have to be so _pretty?!!?_

            …he's surprisingly warm, for a spirit.

            He looks perplexed, now.  Cocking an eyebrow, his crimson-shaded eyes blink and glaze thoughtfully.  //_Hn?  I was edgy?  … Oh!  Right.  That was Marik.  We… uh… had a… 'disagreement.'  I settled **that, though.  Heh.//**_

            …I don't even want to know.

            _//Were you **worried about me, hikari?//**_

He's smirking, and he's so close I can feel his breath ghosting warm and soft against my skin.  My composure's steadily going to pieces beneath his taunting scrutiny, and I can't help the heated shiver tremoring up my spine.

            He… he looks like he's going to _kiss _me…

            Mmph!!

            Mmm…

            Oh my.  

            …he tastes _good._

~*~*~*~*~*~

*Two days later*

            "A-a- ACHOO!!!"

            "Bless you, Yami."

            "DAMNIT!!  Why'd you let me kiss you?!  I'm never going to recover from this!!  You- you're such a BRUTUS!!  …A-a-CHOO!!"

            *giggle* "Maybe I shouldn't read this to you any more.  See how it's fouling up your language?  You're picking up such dirty words!"

            *grumble* *sniff*  "Just keep reading, aibou."

            Ryou smiled, tucking the sheets under Bakura's chin, and gently nibbled his yami's earlobe.  The spirit immediately turned his head to the wall, hair tumbling abruptly over his face, veiling the violent blush flooding his cheeks.  Smirking, Ryou patted his head and picked up the book, clearing his throat.

            "It must be by his death and for my part…"

_*All's well that ends well*_

_The End_

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